What? No more ammo?

Puh-leez.  Here’s something to get your teeth around. I had a hearty laugh when I got this via e-mail.

I’ll be back. Gotta earn money, you know? Hugs!🙂

EXCLUSIVE! Noynoy Interviews Kris

10 08 2010

Ang Pangulo at si Kris Aquino:
The unpublished, unedited, and uncomfortable tell-all interview*
President Aquino (NOY): I must admit. Medyo kinakabahan pa ‘ko. First time kong gagawin ito at ikaw pa ang una kong interviewee. Bahala na.
Kris Aquino (KRIS): Ano ka ba Noy! ‘Di ba nag-usap na tayo? Nabrief ka na rin ni Boy at ni Tita Maria Montelibano, right? Even ian, the headwriter has talked to you. Kaloka ka huh! Meron ka namang set of questions ‘di ba? Go!
NOY: Wait, para saan nga ba ‘to?
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re so kulit! ‘Di ba I explained na nga kagabi? Last Sunday kasi, lumabas sa TV ang nanay ng future-ex husband ko; ‘yong bayaw mong babaero! The public sympathizes with him na raw according to my sources. I need your help. Kailangang bumalik sa ‘kin ang simpatya ng publiko.
NOY: Eh bakit ako? Bakit ‘di si Boy na lang?
KRIS: ‘Di pwede. Kakatapos lang ng interview niya sa akin sa SNN at The Buzz. Redundant na. Magsasawa ang tao.
NOY: So dapat talaga ako?!?
KRIS: Dapat lang ‘no! Remember, I donated 15 million pesos to your campaign!
NOY: Tsk… tsk… tsk. Sige na nga pero sa isang kondisyon!
KRIS: What?
NOY: Can we also talk about issues? I mean, mga usaping panlipunan o pulitika, para naman ‘di ako magmukhang showbiz lang.
KRIS: Deal! Start na tayo, bilis at naghihintay na sa akin si Bambi Fuentes. Boy, Ian ready na ba ang camera? Take na tayo! Game!
Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !
NOY: Mga kaibigan, ikinalulugod ko pong ipakilala sa inyo ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, Kris Aquino-Yap.
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyy, ano ba? What do you mean, ipakilala??? Hello?!? I’m more famous than you ‘noh? And what’s with the Yap thing? Eeeew! Drop the Yap okay? His mom hates me na nga ‘di ba? Take 2 tayo, Boy. Gosh!
NOY: Okay! Okay! Sorry.
Take 2! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !
NOY: Mga kababayan, nahaharap tayo sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Matagal pong naligaw…
KRIS: Cut!!! Noyyyyyy!? Tapos na ang SONA my goodness! Trabaho na tayo okay? Enough of slogans and catchphrases!
NOY: Sorry, sorry. Kinakabahan lang talaga ako. Pangako… perfect ko na ‘to!
Take 3! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !
NOY: Mga kababayan, iisa lang ang aking bise-presidente! Si Mar Roxas ang aking bise-presidente!
KRIS: My god! Noy! The campaign is over! Accept the fact that Mar lost the polls, hello!
NOY: Sorry ulit.
Take 4! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !
NOY: Puwedeng mag-yosi muna?
KRIS: Hell, no! Mali-late na ko! Tapusin na natin ‘to puwede ba?!
NOY: Sige na nga! Game.
Take 5! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !
NOY: Mga kababayan, narito na po si Kris Aquino! Kris, paaaaaaasok!
KRIS: Cut!!! Noy naman! Sa ABS ‘to eere! Linya ‘yan ng newscaster sa kabila! Ano ka ba!?
NOY: Ay oo nga pala! Pasensya! Pasensya!
Take 6! Tape rolling! 3… 2… 1 and … !
NOY: Mga kaibigan, ang aking pinakabatang kapatid, si Kris Aquino.
KRIS: Hi Noy! Sorry, how do I address you nga pala? Bro? Mr. President? Kuya? Baka kasi sabihin nila rude ako if I just call you Noy.
NOY: No! Okay lang. Puwede na ‘yon.
KRIS: You look great by the way. Liz Uy, if you’re watching, you’re doing a great job on my brother. Thank you so much! Hello sa lahat ng Kapamilyang nanonood lalung-lalo na sa mga TFC subscribers.

NOY: Kris, hindi na ‘ko magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Noong Sunday, nagsalita ang ina ni James Yap sa kabilang himpilan.
KRIS: Really?!? Gosh. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko napanood. In fact, kung ‘di mo sinabi Noy, hindi ko malalaman! Besides, she’s not the type of person na magsasalita sa TV. I swear, napakabait at napakatahimik pong tao ng mommy ni James. That’s so sad.
NOY: Isa-isahin natin ang kanyang mga sinabi. Hindi raw talaga siya boto sa ‘yo para kay James.
KRIS: Noy, kilala mo ako. Pinalaki tayo ng ating mga magulang na may respeto sa nakakatanda sa atin. Pero kung masasakit na salita na ang ibinabato nila, siguro naman, may karapatan tayong umilag. Kung nanonood po kayo ngayon Mrs. Annie Yap: Maayos ko kayong hinarap nang bumisita ako sa Escalante City. I’m not used to spending the night in a remote village lalo na sa isang lugar na yari sa pawid at kawayan ang mga bahay. Pero tiniis ko po ‘yon dahil mahal ko ang anak n’yo. Now, kung sasabihin n’yo po na ayaw n’yo pala sa akin… magiging prangka na po ako. How sure are you na gusto ko kayo? I’m sorry Noy pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako.
NOY: Can I say something? Pasensya na po kayo Mrs. Yap. Medyo masama lang po ang…
KRIS: No! ‘Wag mo ‘kong pangunahan Noy! Magso-sorry ako kung kailangan. Next question please!
NOY: May anak na raw si James nang magpakasal kayo…
KRIS: Meron din ako! Mas malaki pa!
NOY: Oo nga noh?!? ‘Di ko naisip ‘yon ah!
KRIS: Heller! Araw-araw kayong naglalaro ng PSP, nalimutan mo na agad si Josh! Grabehhh!
NOY: Mahal mo pa ba si James?
KRIS: Mahal mo pa ba si Korina?
NOY: Sus, bakit naman ako nadamay?
KRIS: Kainis kasi ang question mo eh. I hate him! I super hate him! As in! Promise!

NOY: Moving on… sabi sa diyaryo, kayo na raw ni Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, ‘yong partner ko sa target shooting sa Antipolo tuwing weekend. Totoo ba?
KRIS: Careful Noy. Baka magalit na naman sa ‘kin sina Mar at Korina. Alam mo namang mainit sa ‘kin ang mga friends mo sa Liberal ‘di ba? Baka isipin na naman nilang Noy-Bi ang ibinoto ko. Gosh! They’re so right! Ooops, me and my big mouth. Boy, alisin na lang sa editing ‘yong sinabi ko, okay?
NOY: So ano nga? Kayo na ba ni Junjun?
KRIS: Grabeh ka naman Noy. Mag-fi-first death anniversary pa lang on August 11 ang wife niya ‘noh? Ayokong magsalita. It’s inappropriate. Close lang kami talaga. He’s really nice to me. It’s really not the right time to speak about any romance. I admit though na malapit kami ngayon sa isa’t isa at nasa kanya ang qualities na hinahanap ko sa isang guy. Mabait, caring, thoughtful, intellectual. Pero sabi ko nga Noy, it’s inappropriate to talk about us. Pero ‘yon nga, Junjun is an ideal man. Kung makikipag-date ulit ako sa isang lalaki, siya ‘yong unang-una kong idi-date. Ewan ko lang kung pareho kami ng taste sa food pero I heard he likes paella. And I do know how to cook great paella. But then again, it’s improper to talk about dates lalo pa’t magbababang-luksa pa lang sila. Ikaw Noy, okay lang ba sa ‘yo kung lumabas kami ni Junjun? Single naman siya ‘di ba? Basta, I promise to talk about him sa appropriate time. ‘Wag ngayon. Ayaw ko munang magsalita ng kahit ano. And I mean nothing! Sorry talaga. Wala akong sasabihin! Sanga pala, Cancer siya, Aquarian ako. Compatible kaya kami?

NOY: Ano naman ‘tong nabalitaan kong pati ang kaibigan kong si Chiz Escudero eh nali-link sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, that’s funny. He’s married okay? Never akong pumatol sa lalaking may sabit!
NOY: Ehem… Philip Salvador.
KRIS: I mean, sa may sabit na senador! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, hello Senator Loren!

NOY: Maiba ako. Marami kasi ang nakakapansin – parang hindi mo raw type si Shalani para sa akin?
KRIS: That’s unfair. That’s preposterous. That’s ridiculous. That’s absurd! That’s baseless! We’re friends. Wait… what’s the name of that girl again?
NOY: Shalani.
KRIS: Oh, Shahani.
NOY: No! Shalani.
KRIS: Ahh, Salami.
NOY: Nang-iinsulto ka?!?
KRIS: Namumuwersa ka?!? Eh hindi ko talaga siya like eh! Anong magagawa mo? Next question!
NOY: Seryosong usapan. Ano ang naramdaman mo nang hindi maging Senate President si Kiko Pangilinan?
KRIS: Ikaw, anong naramdaman mo?
NOY: Huh?
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! You huh! Maang-maangan school of acting ka Noy! ‘Di mo naman keri! ‘Di ba nga you sought my help pa to campaign for him? O, ‘wag kang tatanggi!
NOY: Kris naman…
KRIS: Mga kababayan, pasensya na po. Hindi good liar ‘tong presidente n’yo. Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: Pinapahiya mo ko…
KRIS: No! I’m just being honest. Kiko was your choice for the Senate presidency! Even Shawie asked me kung pwede ko raw tawagan sina Bong, Jinggoy at Tito Sen to vote for him. Unfortunately, nag-leak sa media. Hay naku Noy, ‘wag ka nang mag-deny! Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: Change topic na nga! What do you think of my Communications Group?
KRIS: I’m not really familiar with them Noy. Sorry. Ang kilala ko lang sina Manolo Quezon at Ricky Carandang kasi nakikita ko sila sa studio ng ANC. But that was before! Ngayon, ang madalas ko nang makita sa ANC… ‘yong Edwin Lacierda! Semi-regular ba siya? Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: The Marcoses are back in Congress. Bongbong is in the Senate; Mrs. Marcos is in the Lower House. Anong masasabi mo?
KRIS: You know what Noy? Ayoko nang magsalita about them out of respect na rin sa mga taong naghalal sa kanila. Let history be the judge. Naniniwala naman ako sa karma eh. Look at one of her daughters. I won’t name names pero kapag nagsasalita siya, hindi bumubuka ang kanyang bibig. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what it is. Hindi ko siya kinaya Noy! Ang weird!!!

KRIS: Wait, before I forget. I saw your photo nga pala with your first monthly paycheck. It’s splashed all over the Internet. Gosh, what were you thinking?
NOY: Bakit? Anong masama do’n? ‘Di naman pagyayabang ‘yong ginawa ko ah.
KRIS: Hello?!!! Noy naman! Why flaunt a mere 63 thousand-peso salary!?? Nakakahiya! That amount is so unCojuangco! Basta! ‘Wag mo nang uulitin!
NOY: By the way, did you read the exclusive interview of The Professional Kegler with former President Arroyo?
KRIS: Noy… Heckler not Kegler! Hindi naman siya bowler noh! Blogger siya! Anyway no, why?
NOY: There’s a Rapid Round of questions sa interview. Ako rin, merong Rapid Round for you. I’d mention names of political and entertainment figures, give me a movie title to describe them.
KRIS: Aha-ha-ha! Bahala ka Noy huh! Go ako d’yan pero walang sisihan kung may masaktan. Basta ako, magiging honest lang. Go!
NOY: Let’s start with Vice President Jojo Binay…
KRIS: Hmm, “The Dark Knight.” I love you Tito Jojo!
NOY: Former First Ladies Ming Ramos, Imelda Marcos, and Loi Estrada…
KRIS: “The Good, the Bad, and the…” I’m so bad Noy! Nagmake-peace na nga tayo sa family nila ‘di ba? Pass na lang!
NOY: Sen. Manny Villar…
KRIS: “Kung Mangarap Ka’t Magising.” Hello Nanay Curing!
NOY: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile…
KRIS: Jurassic Park. Aha-ha-ha!
NOY: Sen. Bong Revilla…
KRIS: Ayoko! Baka magalit si Lani.
NOY: KoRni naman nito. Ano nga?
KRIS: For Bong? Hmm… SE7EN.
NOY: At sino namang nagsabi sa ‘yo?
KRIS: Noy!!!! You’re so green! SE7EN kasi taga-kabila siya ‘noh! Gosh! Ang dirty talaga ng mind mo!
NOY:Former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo…
KRIS: Hay naku Noy! Alam mo, madaming nagalit sa ‘yo for sacking him. You and your advisers talaga! Pati PAGASA, pinupulitika n’yo!
NOY: Bawiin mo ‘yan!
KRIS: Noooo! True naman ‘di ba? ‘Yong maliliit lang ang kaya n’yong sibakin nang biglaan sa puwesto! Basta! Wala akong title for Mr. Prisco Nilo pero may title ako para sa ‘yo at sa mga advisers mo na nagsabing ifire mo siya!
NOY: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: “The Ant Bully!” At ‘di ko babawiin ‘yan!
NOY: Okay, next! Puregold owner Lucio Co…
KRIS: Noooooo! Endorser si Boy ng Puregold, Noy! Ayokong mag-comment.
NOY: C’mon. Alam mo naman ang isyu kay Mr. Lucio Co ‘di ba?
KRIS: Sige na nga! Pero Boy, walang personalan huh. Based lang ito sa mga naglalabasang reports since the time of former President Erap. Para kay Mr. Lucio Co? Hmm, “Big Fish.” Shockkks! Did I really say that? I just said “Big Fish” okay? I didn’t say na smuggler siya! Malinaw ‘yon huh. Wala akong sinabi about smuggling. Promise!
NOY: Vicki Belo…
KRIS: Hay naku! You’re putting me on the spot Noy! Endorser ako ng Belo Medical Clinic ‘noh!
NOY: Akala ko ba honest ka?
KRIS: Sige na nga. Pero Vicki, if you’re watching, nothing personal okay? Game lang ‘to. The movie to describe her???? Hmmm, “Face/Off.” I love you Vicki!
NOY: Finally, movie titles to describe Chiz Escudero and Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Seriously?
NOY: Yeah! Seriously!
KRIS: Honestly?
NOY: Of course!
KRIS: Katulad ng nasabi ko, I may not be perfect but I’m not a liar. So para kina Chiz and Junjun… physically? “The Hottie and the Nottie.” Gosh! I’m so mean. Pero promise, si Junjun ang pinaka-close sa akin ngayon! True ‘yan!
NOY: Salamat Kris.
KRIS: Wait!!! Bago matapos ang interview na ito Noy, gusto lang kitang tanungin. Tutal, past is past na naman ‘di ba? For a while kasi, nagkasama kami ni Korina sa isang morning show. Gusto ko lang malaman, what went wrong with your relationship? Sino ang nakipag-break?
NOY: Seriously?
KRIS: Yeah, seriously.
NOY: Honestly?
KRIS: Of course!
NOY: Well, ‘yan ang dapat nilang abangan sa susunod kong tell-all interview!
KRIS: You’re so madaya! Kainish! Nambitin pa! Is Korina a good kisser? Did she use her tongue? Gosh, I’ll wait for that interview!
NOY: Before we end this interview, what do you want to tell James in case he’s watching?
KRIS: I’m sure he’s not! Malamang nanonood na naman ‘yon ng Mr. Bean. Wala akong message! Besides, he won’t understand naman my Ateneo-accented English eh. It’ll just be a waste of my ptialina amylase!
NOY: Any final message?
KRIS: Noy, words won’t be enough to express my pride, gratitude, and happiness in having you as a brother. Sobrang proud kami nina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky at Ate Viel sa mga na-achieve mo… although ‘di pa masyadong marami. I’m sure, Mom and Dad are equally proud of their only son. Huwag mong bibiguin ang ating mga kababayan lalung-lalo na ang mga volunteers na sumuporta sa ‘yo. [By the way, wala ka bang maibibigay na puwesto kay Juana Change? Nagkabati na ba sila ni Attorney Lacierda?] Sana magtuluy-tuloy ang iyong magandang simula hanggang sa katapusan ng iyong termino. Magbabantay ako. Magmamasid kaming lahat. Huwag kang mag-alala. Sa 2016, kapag wala na akong problema sa personal kong buhay, baka ako na ang magpatuloy sa iyong nasimulan para sa ating bayan… ‘yon ay kung makukumbinsi ko si Chiz na kunin akong runningmate. Chizzy-Krissy, cute naman ‘di ba? Aminin mo! Catchy ‘yon!
NOY: Maraming salamat din Kris. Despite your idiosyncrasies, mahal ka pa rin ng buong pamilya. At bilang kapatid mo, wala akong masabi. Wala akong maidagdag. Wala akong choice! Maraming salamat sa iyong oras and…
KRIS: Wait! After a 45-day hiatus, my Twitter account is alive again! O, ‘wag nang tumaas ang kilay! I know, nag-promise akong ‘di na magtu-Twitter. Pero ‘di ko kaya eh! So follow me on Twitter, @iamkrisaquino! Now na! Thank you Noy!
NOY: Aren’t you gonna plug your noontime show?
KRIS: No, na! Thanks. ‘Di ako masyadong proud sa programa eh! Bye!

END OF INTERVIEW.


10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

10 responses to “What? No more ammo?

  1. Dickhead

    Parang may pinatamaan ka, ah?

    Hehe.

    (ps. kay heckler po yata galing yan)

    HEHEHE MEDYO LANG MAY PINATAMAAN. THANKS FOR THE INFO. MABUHAY ANG HECKLER!🙂 – O.N.

  2. NakakaAbNoy

    RFLMAO!!!!
    I died laughing. Ahahahahhahaha!

  3. ramoj

    Here’s some more ammo for you. haha

    http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/08/11/10/august-23-regular-working-day-palace

    Although it’s been declared since last year, I understand that it’s his dad’s death anniv and he’s after all the ‘president’. But I really really hope he doesn’t do this to the other holidays.

    This Holiday Economics law was one of the few things I liked about GMA’s admin. It benefits both businesses (tourism) and employees. So why stop a good thing?

    • interested

      @ramoj: you ask “…why stop a good thing?”. I think i know why. Because this president is making decisions based on emotion, vindictiveness and hatred. Everything done by the former administration is either wrong or evil (which includes the Holiday Economics Law). Let’s wait and see if this president will remain popular till the end of this year, when his own yellow zealots have already seen him for what he really is, a bitter, incompetent fool!

  4. easydoesit

    Welcome back, OhNoy! You’re like a a rock group taking your time to work on your new CD. But when it’s released, people can’t wait to get a copy! Glad to have you back!

    YOU’RE TOO KIND! -O.N.

  5. stainlesssteelrat

    Wish this was in english so I could share a good laugh.

  6. Philip

    @easydoesit, @O.N.

    TRUE, TRUE! I’ve been waiting for weeks for updates. mabuhay ka O.N.

  7. arm

    Oh my gosh, Oh Noy! You ARE alive! Hinde ka pa pinaligpit ng mga Aquino. Yes! Kung isa kang rock star tulad ng sabi ni easydoesit, ano kami? Groupie! haha. Welcome back!

  8. luraaa

    Yey OhNoy! You’re back! Kala ko wala ka na medyo natagalan sa update. Pero ayos lang, kailangan maghanapbuhay para sa mga nabubuhay.🙂

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